


Golden demons behind brown eyes

by SpookyStar29



Series: Of Yellow and Green Lollipops [1]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Other, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2020-05-30 16:26:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19407007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyStar29/pseuds/SpookyStar29
Summary: After the team has closed the case of a marine with PTSD who shares a similar experience as Jack, the psychologist finds herself transported back in time and starts isolating herself. Since Ellie still doesn’t know as much about her friend as she would like to she finally dares to ask about the past …Most of Tommee Profitt’s songs have inspired me for this. And the fact that I realized I’m pretty sure the rest of the team still doesn’t know about Jack’s scars …And because this is a good way to dive into the Jellie-universe.





	1. The fifteen-letter mystery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CaptyCatz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptyCatz/gifts), [slibbsninja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slibbsninja/gifts), [Just_nele](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_nele/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

She knew Gibbs knew. And because he was Gibbs – a keeper, trustworthy, loyal till the end – he had never ever even slipped a single word or indication.  
Ellie had always been a curious person and she was growing more and more curious and impatient the day. Ever since this woman had stepped into their lifes, she had known she was full of secrets. Jack Sloane was the warmest, smiliest beaming ball of cuteness she had ever met, but if one looked into her eyes he could see there was way more behind her lively and warm attitude. This was a woman who felt and cared deeply – and had been through hell and back.  
That „hell“ had been Afghanistan.  
She had been working at PsyOp and captured nine months.  
Nigel Hakim, the asshole who finally sat behind bars, had tortured her and her team.  
But a lot more had happened there – something that had made this self controled woman to go ballistic more than just two times.  
Vance and Jack – she secretly had started to call them „Sloance“ - were connected with a bond that was stronger than every friendship Ellie had ever had or heard about.  
That was all she knew. And she was dying to know more, but she wouldn’t dare going behind Jack’s back and trying to get information from someone else. Overall she wouldn’t get it, not from Vance nor from Gibbs.

Nick – and Clay - had been the curiousity in person as Jack had started working with them. A psychologist with fire in her chocolate-eyes, a mind sharp as a knife, a smile soft and calming like a tranquillizer, and still full of mysterios and little blind-spots that made her intransparent.  
They would have done everything to uncover all of Jack Sloane‘s secrets and hidden layers, but actually had been intelligent enough not to push. Because despite of her soft exterior, everyone knew this woman wasn’t one to avoid a fight. And no one wanted to get on her bad side.  
They weren’t just a team. They were family. And since Jack was on their team, she was family, too. And she was even more for Ellie – she was her friend. She cared about her. And right now, she was worried.  
They had closed Jeremy Whiler’s case this morning. He had confessed, but only after Gibbs had granted to open the door of the interrogation room – which he probably only had done because Jack had insisted.  
Evidences, breadcrumbs and little pieces had come up that made Ellie more and more suspicious that Jack was hiding something, a something the case reminded her of. The last time she had seen Jack this unsettled had been as Vance was missing and taken by Hakim. And she had been growing more and more anxious and desperate the longer they had been investigating, causing her to be the latest leaving work and even arriving earlier than Gibbs. It had been clear she took this case to heart, but not even Gibbs dared to reproach her with Rule 10 - since he had burned it, how McGee had silently told her. And because Jack wouldn’t have listened to him either. 

Ellie glanced up towards the stairs. Jack had resiled herself into her office the moment the case was closed, and since that no one had either seen or heard from her. She didn’t like that at all. Jack kept something from them, probably more than just a little secret she took with her everywhere she went.  
In about three seconds she made the decision.  
Ellie almost slammed the file’s cover shut as she stood up. Now or never.  
„Where are you going?“, Nick called after her.  
„Somewhere“, was all she gave back. She didn’t need anyone to know she was going to ask Jack about something that clearly wasn’t meant for everyone’s ears – probably not even for hers, but she was willing to take the risk.


	2. I'm here, always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

Her heart was pounding strangely as she took the last steps towards Jack’s door. She didn’t know what to expect, IF she could even expect something, actually, she had no idea what she was doing. If she was making a mistake, maybe screwing up everything, giving the impression of being nosy.  
She didn’t want to invade in Jack’s private life, all she wanted to was show her she could talk about anything and that she wanted to help. Everyone needed someone to talk to, and more than anything else Ellie wanted to be that person for her. 

Standing in front of the door, she straightened herself. Tentatively, she knocked. And held her breath.  
„Come on in!“, Jack’s voice called. Ellie felt relief washing over her. She didn’t sound sad or dissaproving as if Ellie had just disturbed her, and hopefully, that was a good sign.  
Jack was sitting at her desk and smiled welcoming as Ellie entered.  
„Hey.“ She recipocrated the gesture and closed the door.  
„Ellie.“ Jack put her glasses down. Ellie secretly thought she looked gorgeous with those – well, actually, she ALWAYS looked gorgeous. Those glasses just gave her some additional hot-professor-wibes. She still wasn’t sure if she should feel embarassed about thinking that.  
„What can I do for you?“  
Ellie stepped closed, aware that Jack eyed her every move.  
„Actually, I came here to offer something to you.“  
Straight down to business. Jack would be able to look though her anyways, there was no need to talk around the obvious.  
Jack lifted her eyebrows but kept silent to let her speak.  
„My help as your friend. Whenever you wanna talk, you should know I’m always here for you.“  
Jack’s deep brown eyes were staring at her. And that was when she saw it. First, it was just a quick flutter, then it grew into a steady emotion.  
Defeat.  
„So you’ve noticed.“ She more stated it than asked, but nevertheless Ellie nodded. They both understood what the other one meant.  
„Do you … want to talk?“, Ellie tested the waters. Nothing more would she wanted Jack to say yes, but also she didn’t want to force her.  
Her friend rubbed her forehead and run her fingers through her hair, then stopped in her movements. Ellie bit her lip. She felt her heart pound in that uncomfortable, nagging feeling one got when either having to ask a really awkward question, or being confronted with a situation one had no idea how to handle.  
The air was thin, thin and stressed and Ellie held her breath while waiting for any response from Jack.  
Finally, the older woman signed. „Today, after work?“ She lifted her head, her eyes tired all of a sudden, but the smile on her lips was truthful.  
Ellie gave her a little smile, too. „Perfect. I’d love to.“ Was it just her own wishful thinking or did she seem relieved? She hoped so. „Location?“  
„My office?“ Jack’s voice got higher at the end, indication a proposal. „I … I would like to leave it here, not lay it out at home.“  
Ellie nodded and got what she was implefying. She wasn’t endued with the same knowledge of the human psyche as Jack was, but she was pretty sure this was some kind of defense mechanism, maybe to prevent she‘d link those emotions and past-life-experiences – whatever they were – with her home, her safe haven.  
„Sounds good. Should I come up at the end of the day?“  
Jack seemed to review her words but then nodded. „Yeah, do that. I don’t have that much work left, and I really don’t want to face Gibbs‘ interested stare he’d clearly give me if I came downstairs and ask you into my office.“  
This made Ellie smile. „Yeah, I get you“, she grinned. „He can be quit intense doing so.“  
„Not that he could ever force me to tell him anything I wouldn’t want to“, Jack said, finally seeming to regain her usual, uplifted stature. Ellie slowly but steadily got the feeling this woman probably was this walking ray of sunshine because her inner shadows and demons were all the more dark.  
Encapsulation.

She felt a mixture of insecurity and being honored as she left Jack’s office a view moments later and closed the door behind her.  
On one hand she was excited. She felt good knowing Jack trusted her enough to tell her whatever was on her mind. But on the same time she feared that whatever this woman had experienced would be to much for herself to handle.  
Ellie took a deep breath and straightened herself. She needed to be strong, she needed to be tough. She had been the one to ask, she had offered help. Now she needed to keep her coolness, needed to be the shoulder Jack could lean on.  
Because she wanted to prove her she was there, no matter what circumstances, she would be there.  
Because that’s what friends were there for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really fell in love with protective Ellie …


	3. Of scars, secrets and solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

A few minutes after five o’clock, Ellie’s phone buzzed. 

You in for pizza? I could order some.

Ellie felt the childish and wide grin spreading out on her face. 

Pizza is always a good idea. Six thirty?

Jack sent back a thumb’s up. 

All of a sudden Ellie grew nervous. Incredibly nervous. She texted Jack about the type of pizza she’d like before getting back to the last parts of work she needed to do. Gibbs had told them they all could go earlier if there wasn’t something else coming up and she was more than glad the case had finally been closed. 

On schedule she logged out and shut down the computer. Tim had left a few minutes earlier and Nick would be on his way soon, too. After telling them her good nights him and Gibbs gave her a questioning look as she didn’t make her way towards the elevator but upstairs.  
“Have a date”, she called back, grinning wide as she saw Nick’s raised eyebrows and Gibbs’ smirking, knowing look. Somehow that guy seemed to know things even when unspoken.  
Jack’s door was slightly open, and even though Ellie knew the reason was for her being welcomed in, she knocked.  
“You should have seen Nick’s face as I told him and Gibbs I had a date”, were her words as she put her backpack next to the couch. Jack’s hearted laugh filled the room and made Ellie’s skin tickle. God, how she adored this woman.  
“You think he’s jealous?”  
She shrugged, smirking. “Maybe? I mean, you’re an attractive woman, quiet a competition I guess.” She couldn’t quiet place the look Jack gave her into a definable schublade. But that wasn’t important now. Now, the focus was on what she was being told. 

…

They sat down on the couch, each of them taking a seat at the other side, „So.” Jack folded her hands and looked at her. “What do you want to know?“  
Ellie took an audible breath. „I’m actually not sure“, she started. „I … I just want to know if I can help you.”  
Jack’s face tensed. „You want to know why I’m acting how I’m acting since this case, right?“  
She nodded.  
„I also guess you have made up your mind about it and have an idea.“  
Again, Ellie nodded. As she felt Jack’s eyes on her, she spoke: „Your own captivity. You and your team being tortured.“.“  
Now it was Jack’s time to nod.  
„The captivity was one thing. The consequences … another.“ She took a deep breath and Ellie almost regretted her idea about Jack confessing her problems. She knew it was hard for her, and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle the worst … if her friend would break down.  
„You know they weren’t just a team. They were MY team. I was their leader and commander.“ She looked at her – the first indication of deep rooted pain. Ellie knew it wouldn’t be the last. „My rank in the army was lieutenant. And … as such I was the responsible person to lead the Wingo’s.”  
Ellie nodded. She had no idea why.  
Jack seemed to think for a moment before slightly nodding her head. „I want to show you something.“ She turned around and without warning took the hem of her shirt. Ellie’s hear pounded and she almost let out a gasp, but could suppress it. „Jack, what …“  
„Not what you’re thinking.“ There wasn’t even a hint of the usual teasing in her voice. This being one of the reasons Ellie shut her mouth in an instant and just watched. Jack put her shirt next to her on the backrest she pulled her hair in front over her shoulder, exposing her upper back.  
Ellie gasped and put her hand on her mouth.  
„Oh my god“, she whispered. Her jaw clenched as a horrible premonition arised in her head. „Jack, is that …“  
„Whippings. And burn marks.“  
Ellie closed her eyes as she felt tears sting. She bit back a curse, instead send a mental one to Hakim, and then openend them again while taking a breath.  
„I feel bad for asking, but … can I touch them?“  
She saw the muscles in her back clenching and felt even worse, ridiciously stupid for asking that question, but Jack nodded.  
„Do they still hurt?“  
Short silence.  
„Physically, no. Emotionally, yes.“  
Ellie closed her eyes, then dropped her hand on Jack’s arm. „I’m so sorry Jack. I … I had no idea.“  
Her friend shook her head. „As I said before, Ellie, the physical wounds aren’t the problem.“ She seemed to rethink her words and as she spoke again, her voice sounded sarcastic. „Well, they are, if it’s summer and you want to wear a nice dress, but …“ She turned around locked eyes again. „They are not the ones who keep me up at night or make me relieve the happenings.“  
Ellie bit her lip, eyes darting nervously. „Speaking of. You wanna talk about it?“  
„If you’re in for a coffee?“ Jack offered a slight smile and Ellie wasn’t able to read if it was forced to conceal the real struggle she was facing or real. She just hoped it was real.  
She nodded. „I’d love that.”  
„What about the pizza, by the way?“, she asked as Jack came back with two steaming cups.  
„Told him to call when he’s at the reception and I’ll get it from there.“ She sat down after handing Ellie the black one with the NCIS logo on it. She smirked as she took in Jack’s darkgreen one with the four very special capital letters on it.  
“Don’t let Gibbs catch you with that one”, she said as she tipped onto the black ARMY inscription. The look on Jack’s face was mischievous.  
“Oh he has already seen it. Should have seen his face. He looked as if she had bitten into a lemon.” Ellie laughed. She could only imagine but figured it must have been priceless.  
“So.” Jack took a huge mouthful of coffee before turning towards her. “You’re in to dive into my past?”  
Ellie made herself comfortable again, legs bend up to her chest, and nodded.


	4. Lieutenant Sloane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Afghanistan - Army Base *

She was nervous. She’d meet her team in a few minutes. All she knew was they were three and she’d be their leader for this operation. Hopefully they’d accept her as one. She had met some other guys who thought very low of women in the military, especially in the army. She had almost broken his nose while training. By accident, of course.  
Since that day, even the dumbest male attending the situation had learned the lesson not to ever mess with her. She just hoped she wouldn’t need her fists to earn their respect as they pulled into the middle of the safe heaven’s area.  
This was her second tour in Afghanistan, this time she had been here for just two days by now but this area was new for her. Luckily, she as a south-western American was used to heat waves and actually enjoyed the sun, so she was kinda used to the desert and the temperature. Still, the sand and dust dispersed by their car’s breaks wasn’t something she would miss, but she would get used to being dirty all the time.  
The driver was the first to open his door, and that was what made her sit upright. She pulled the handle and got out of the jeep, her feet finally touching ground again. 

And there they were. Three men, standing upright, hands behind their back, chins lifted. They were looking at them – no, they were looking at her.  
Jack straightened her back, not sure if she should smile – as she usually did whenever she met new people – or just stare back at them.  
„Wingos, meet your new leader.” Her guide’s voice cut through the silence. “First Lieutenant Jaqueline Sloane.”  
That was when she stepped closer. Either they had really good poker faces or had already been briefed about that her squat-leader was a woman. All she could see in their faces was openness. They were serious, bodylanguage guarded, stern like soldiers, but there was a friendliness behind their eyes she had never seen before since she had joined the military. The dark skinned guy even seemed to smile as her eyes met his.  
In a second she let her eyes travel over their name badges.  
King. Hale. Anshiri.  
And finally she allowed herself to smile. 

„Qahhar will drive you to the base. He knows his way around”, Mabbott said before she could get out anything. She turned to face him, just as the other three. Just then she realized another man joining them, also dressed in camouflage, seeming younger than all of them. So this was the guy who was responsible to get them through the afghan desert. Her eyes travelled to Mabbott. She had met the older man the second the plane had touched afghan soil, he had been the one to welcome her. He was stern and daunting, even though she quickly learned he was trying to be kind to her since he knew she was more a psychologist than a soldier, and at one point she had even made him laugh, and she knew the guy was just doing his job. He saluted, the faintest appearance of a smile on his lips. „Save trip, Wingos. See you in a few weeks.“  
His eyes seemed to rest on hers just a second longer than on her teammates’. She gave him a nod, replying the gesture. She had felt save with him. He had accompanied her, showed her around, had been with her the whole way. She had felt protected.  
And now she had her new team. Now, they were up on their own.


	5. The leak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

„By that time no one knew we would never arrive there.“  
Jack clenched her jaw, looking down at the cup of coffee in her hand. Ellie followed her gaze, sensing her hands was clawed around the mug. She took a breath, hoping it was okay for Jack if she was constantly asking questions, but she just … she needed to know.  
„Jack … what I have wondered before.“ She looked at her. „If you were awaited somewhere, how is it possible no one came to rescue you?“  
Jack looked at her. There was an expression in her dark eyes Ellie had never seen before.  
It wasn’t just anger. They were flickering with something the young agent could closely describe as resignation – and guilt.  
„We had a traitor within our troups.” Her voice sounded throaty. She swallowed. Ellie saw her hands shaking. „And that traitor … had been our driver.“  
Ellie pressed her lips. That explained a lot … but still not the painful guilt in Jack’s face.  
„What we didn’t know was he had steered the car into a completely different direction.” Jack took a deep, shaking breath. “We had been like ten hours off the trail.“  
Ellie stared at her in shock. “How …”  
„He leaked the satellite system. That’s why no one found us.” Jack shook her head as if she still didn’t believe it.  
“You couldn’t know”, Ellie spoke before she even knew that thought had crossed her mind. Jack made noise she couldn’t describe.  
“Yeah, I couldn’t.” Her hands became claws again. “And still I should have.”  
Ellie didn’t overhear her saying “I”. She had meant all of them, especially those people who had chosen this guy to be their driver. But she knew Jack still blamed herself for everything that had happened – because the Wingos hadn’t just been a team. They had been HER team. And then fear crept over her as she sensed there must have happened more than just the torture. Jack had been their leader, yes, and that was the reason she blamed herself. But … there must be more behind it …  
“How … what happened next?”  
Jack let out a breath again. “For a while nothing happened. We just started talking. It was easy, way easier than I thought.” For the first time since they had started diving into the past, a smile crept over Jack’s features. “We were trained psychologists, after all. They had known each other for a little while, King and Anshiri for a year, Hale joined them two months ago.  
Hale had always wanted to go Army, he didn’t want the infantry-job so he decided for the psychologist aspect. Anshiri, the oldest amongst them, two years older than me, had been a soldier since he broke off school. And King simply wanted to help other people. Medschool wasn’t his thing, so he went for a psychologist degree. He was being recruited just as I was, only a lot earlier.”  
Ellie smiled. “I guess it was nice meeting guys who thought alike like you.”  
Jack laughed. “Oh yes, it was. We told each other psycho-related-jokes for what felt like hours, and finally everyone understood all of them.” Her laughter subsided. “We had a good time together. I think we still would.” She took a deep breath. “Until …”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who has read the chapters before - I had to Change some Little parts in Chapter 3 since I had realize Ellie doesn't know that the Wingos were actually killed … just to know


	6. Sound of war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Somewhere in the desert of Afghanistan *

Their convoy had broken down two hours ago with no evidence of getting repaired – at least not in the dark how Qahhar said.   
The wind had been blowing its sand around mercilessly, after a while they couldn’t do anything else than staying in the car, windows closed, hoping the storm would fade.   
Luckily the weather was to their favor in the evening, the wind slowed down before it got dark, so at least they could sit around in a circle sharing their food and trading stories. 

„Who would have thought a master’s degree in psychology would lead me right here?“, King exclaimed.   
„The lord’s way is inscrutable“, Hale said while looking into the sky. Anshiri eyed them before turning to her. „Jack, you’re the religious person here.“ He crossed his ankles. „What is your opinion?“  
She shrugged. „I think god has a plan for all of us, but he doesn’t make it easy. We are the masters of our own decision, our own fate. How we achieve our goal, how we behave, what way we decide to go, that’s on us.“ She pointed at him. „Besides that, I’m not THAT religious.“   
„Four psychologists sitting around the fire. What are they talking about?“ King made a presenting gesture with his hand. „God.“  
Anshiri eyed him suspiciously. „Was that supposed to be a joke?“  
„Yes“, King said.   
Jack smiled and shook her head.   
Qahhar was quiet, he barely said a word and had left them alone around the fire. At one point she thought about joining him, but he didn’t seem to mind, and she wouldn’t want to scare him off. Maybe he was just sick of them being weird in their subject. She could understand. Kind off. 

A while later she got up, wipping her hands at her trousers. “I’ll call it a day.”   
It took only about ten minutes more as King soundlessly joined her, and the dying voices outside made her realize the others had gone to sleep, too. 

…

Something wasn’t right.   
She knew it, she felt it, even before batting her eyelids to rid the sleep out of her bones. Usually she woke up to the sunrays as if her inner alarm clock was linked with it. But not today. The sun had barely risen up, just a dim light line on the horizon and the matunial shift the earth was being enveloped in indicated the end of the night and the beginning of a new day.   
But Jack Sloane was wide awake as if something had stung her. 

After what felt like an eternity she signed and decided to just get up. Doing nothing had never been one of her strengths.   
The guys were still asleep and she had no intend to wake them, so she walked on peep toes.   
She glanced around, trying to calm this inner alarm she had no idea how to interpret.  
And then her heart dropped.   
„Guys!“   
Her yelling was a reflex but she didn’t quiet feel sorry. This was nothing for only her to be concerned.   
„Has someone seen Qahhar?“  
Their joined murmur of silent curses and disapprovements stopped.   
“What?” Hale was the first to sit up straight, blinking father sleep out of his eyes.   
Jack felt like a hawk looking for its prey, eyes darting around. With one difference - SHE was the one feeling scared.   
Her heart stopped a beat as she realized it was worse. „And not just him.“  
She knelt down and started rummaging through their stuff. Panic rose inside of her, even though she knew this wouldn’t get them anywhere, but with every ongoing second she felt more and more like being dragged into a black hole without escape.   
„Everything. The signals. The compass. GPS. Everything.“   
She more felt than heard her fellows approaching and leaned back to sit on the ground, combing through her hair.   
Shit. SHITSHITSHIT this COULDN’T be true. 

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking what I’m thinking”, Hale said, voice silent but strained. She knew he was shortly before freaking out. Just like herself.  
She, fearless Lieutenant Sloane.   
“I can’t read your mind, fellow, but I fear he tricked us.” King deadpanned and scanned the horizon.   
„So this means we’re alone.“ If it would have been asked by Hale, it would have been a question. Since it was Anshiri’s voice, she knew he stood there, eyes on the ground, lips pressed tightly. At least one of them managed to sound strong.   
Not her. She was failing gloriously.   
She wasn’t a leader today.   
„Yeah. Alone in no man’s land, without anyone.“ Jack let out a deep breath and stood up, crossing her arms. Suddenly the morning sun didn’t warm her at all.   
Usually she wasn’t one to freak out easily, usually she was a well-tempered person, or at least about obtaining control in such circumstances. 

Calm down, she told herself to.   
She was their leader. She had come up with a solution.

But right now just the thought of taking the lead scared the crap out of her.   
She had no idea.   
Just then she felt a touch on her shoulder and turned, facing King. „We’re gonna be alright, Sloane“, he said, smiling reassuring. „They’ll find us.“  
Jacqueline Sloane had one, big weakness. She got bitchy when being scared. And that bitchy side of hers interpreted his well-meant words in a completely different way. „Listen, just because I’m the woman here doesn’t mean you need to comfort me or hold my hand, okay?“   
He backed away and help up his hands in surrender. „Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. Calm down.“   
Jack snorted.   
If one dared to drop only the slightest word indicating a sentence like „Women don’t belong here“ or „I knew she was trouble“ she’d explode like a bomb.   
She took a deap breath to collect herself. „I’m sorry, King. Sorry. Just …” She didn’t need to finish her words. She knew they knew. And she also knew she wasn’t the only one whose mind was spinning. 

Finally it was Anshiri who straightened up and “Okay. Check our proviant, Imma get a card to see where we are.”  
“And then what?” Hale stared at him. “We’re gonna walk? A thousand miles? Do you remember how long it took us to drive?”   
“You have a better idea?”, Anshiri called back.   
“Hey!” Jack stepped in. Finally, feeling her leader-qualities return. There was a REASON she had made it up the Lieutenant. There was a reason why she had been chosen. 

She could do this, for god’s sake. 

“Yelling at each other won’t help us, okay? We’re a team, we are in this together.”   
She saw it in Hale’s eyes that he was shortly before saying something about her previous outburst towards King, but luckily remembered her rank.   
She still was their leader.   
And as their leader she had to take responsibility.   
Regain control. 

Jack took a deep breath. “Anshiri, get the card. King, help him, you’re the best at that. Hale, we’re collecting our stuff.” She let her eyes linger on each one of them. “Prepare for a walk. Fact is, we can’t stay here.” 

If only she had known that her instincts didn’t betray her.   
If only she had realized earlier that this something which hung in the air, the something which had woken her up, had been some kind of warning. A warning of god, maybe. 

Get out of there now. Get away from here. Fast.   
Just RUN. 

They weren’t fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That song gives me shivers … 
> 
> I will never be able to listen to it without picturing this scene


	7. The day hell broke loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

„Apparently Qahhar got back to the dearest champ, faking exhaustion and even a bullet wound”, she explained after Ellie had asked her where the hell their traitor went. „He told them we were dead. They wanted to recover our bodies and he agreed to lead them.“ She swallowed „Of course, he got them on another route – right into the taliban’s arms.”  
She saw Ellie’s panic flashed look and shrugged. „Don’t ask how, but somehow he managed to go into hiding. It took weeks until the bodies of our once „rescues“ were found. And no trace of Qahhar or us.“ 

As she spoke next, her voice sounded like death herself. „And then he sent us company.“


	8. The sound of silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Afghanistan - Dead end and Taliban's *

She didn’t know who heard it first. Her eyes had always been better than her ears, so it was probably Hale, the youngest.   
“What is that?” He stopped, listened. All of them did.   
Jack felt her neck hair strain. “Vehicles.”   
The young soldier gave her a look, pure discomfort in his eyes. “Good or bad?”   
She didn’t answer.   
Because just two seconds later, she realized WHAT it was.   
That wasn’t a convoy. It was … it were bikes. 

US soldiers didn’t drive around with bikes.   
But certain people did.   
The people who were the reason why they were here. 

Their weapons were gone. There was no way they could defend.   
So everything they could do was … a natural instinct.   
“Run!”, she yelled at them.   
Trained and good soldiers as they were, they obeyed without another question. 

Her lungs were protesting, but she didn’t feel it. The sand made it hard to run, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was her inner screamings which spured her on. 

Just moments later she made out voices. Foreign voices.   
No.   
No.   
NO.   
They kept on running. 

Until she head a gunshot, load, right next to her. A scream, a scream of someone she knew. She frowned in her tracks and turned around.   
King was on the ground, holding his thigh, drenched in blood. 

In this moment, Lieutenant Jacqueline Sloane acted without thinking.   
No one will be left behind.   
And while running back to him, pulling him up on his feet despite his vehement, she heard their voices, again, louder than before. 

She didn’t see them coming over the hill. But she knew they were there. She knew they had no chance. 

King winced and his leg gave in, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder and yelled at him to bite it down. She wasn’t one to yell.   
She saw Anshiri and Hale, both alarmed by their leader’s doings.   
But help came too late. 

She didn’t know why she looked up. Maybe it was … some inner knowledge, a feeling. Her heart missed a beat, everything inside her cramped.   
Still clutching at Samuel King’s collar, Lieutenant Sloane stared into two dark, dangerous flickering eyes of a cloaked face.   
That was when she knew there was no way to escape. 

…

They brought them into one of their coves, bunkers, or whatever the called it. She didn’t care. All she cared about right now was King’s leg.   
Luckily, the wound wasn’t deep, and she always carried some emergency painkillers in the inside of her trousers. 

The Taliban left them alone right after locking them in. Jack wondered what they were going to do … if they’d let them die of thirst or hunger, or if they’d torture them.   
She had no idea. 

The room, cave, whatever it was, wasn’t fully dark now since they sun had risen up. It was sticky, not too sticky, though. But maybe it was just her own adrenalin which didn’t make her feel the heat. Walls of stone and sand and something which could vaguely be described as loam surrounded them. The ceiling looked like – what? Planks of wood?   
She didn’t know. She didn’t care. 

The mighty Wingos didn’t speak a word to each other for a long, long time. Somewhen, Jack decided to break the silence and started reaching for their hands. “We will go through this together, okay?” 

The three of them nodded, smiles on their faces. Jack did the same. Anshiri squeezed her hand. She closed her eyes, focused on her breathing.   
The were here, together.   
As long as they were together, they’d make it. 

She thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not lying - I sat in front of my laptop, crying, as I listened to Sound of Silence (by Disturbed). Because a though came into my head, a though about a chapter where that song would fit even better.   
> We don’t know how long Jack was alone, with those talibans, after all her team was killed.   
> The whole thing is horrible enough. And now I’m sitting here, imagining her, alone, in that hell. Not knowing if she’ll be next, having no hope anymore. 
> 
> I have loved Jack from the first second I saw her on TV. The fact SHE had to go through that made it even worse. But imagining that in real life, there are real soldiers who go through that too … and after all of that, they don’t even get their well deserved help and recognition. It just makes me sick.   
> Hate and war make me sick.   
> And the fact that there are women and men on this earth who are willing to risk their lifes to protect their loved ones really makes me believe that there ARE heroes in this world. 
> 
> I love you, soldiers. I pray for you. I look up to you, no matter which country. Because those wars, those wrong decisions people make which cause wars, aren’t your fault. You are just the one who are afflicted with it the most and get blamed for it.   
> Not from me. And I made it my personal goal to spread this message, to spread awareness of our heroes bravery. 
> 
> Never forget.  
> To all of those who have lost their lifes – we’ll see you in heaven.   
> To everyone of you still alive – bless you. I think of you wherever you are.


	9. Be my friend, wrap me in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * NCIS *

A knock appeared on the door. Jack straightened herself, cleared her throat and then called “Come in.”  
Ellie was mesmerized by how quickly she could change. But, maybe, she had mentally gone through that experience often enough to shut it out or to learn how to switch back and forth. 

It was Vance who opened the door and peeked inside, giving them a smile. „Sorry. Am I interrupting?“  
Jack shook her head. „No Leon. Nothing you don’t know yourself. What do you need?“  
„Actually”, he spoke slowly while giving Ellie little glances as if to apologize. “I just came looking for you and wanted to ask you if you’d like to come over some time? The kids miss you.“  
The smile on Jack’s lips reappeared. „Aw, that’s sweet. Tell them I miss them, too. And I’d love to.”  
Leon nodded. “Perfect. I’ll tell them.”  
He already made the move to turn around, to leave them their privacy, as Jack did something completely unpredictable.  
„Ah, Leon. Since you’re already here …“ She tilted her head. „Would you like to tell Ellie how we met?“  
His eyes darted from her to the younger woman, surprise and confusion in his face.  
Jack seemed to sense the invisible question. She nodded. „Yes, you’re correct. Afghanistan.“  
Ellie saw the way his eyes flickered. „Jack …“  
„We already started talking, Leon. Ellie deserves to know the truth, and she’s strong enough to hear it.“  
Ellie clenched her jaw. SHE wasn’t sure about that. But if Jack survived nine months of torture … she could handle them talk about it. 

Leon took a deep breath before sitting down on the chair.  
„You know, this is hard for me, too.“  
She reached out and squeezed his knee. „I know“, she said, voice low.  
For a moment Ellie felt like an intruder. Jack and Leon kept their friendship pretty distant at work, and seeing them like this, both dwelling in thoughts, her touching his knee and him fiddling for her hand the next moment made her realize how much those two shared. 

Leon Vance had saved her life. Without him … she wouldn’t be here today. She wouldn’t even be alive anymore. This, what they shared, was going beyond every friendship or what it meant. 

He looked up, eyes focusing on Ellie now. “I had never seen anything like her before. Ever.” He lowered his chin for a moment and Ellie swallowed. She could only imagine how it must be for him talking about the past … about that day …  
He gave Jack a look. “I never told you this, but … I wondered how you could still be alive.”  
Jack bumped his should with hers but there was nothing of the usual playfulness in it. She didn’t have to say anything. It was all in her eyes. 

And then Leon straightened up and began telling the story.  
Their story.


	10. Finding 96859217 & team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Afghanistan - Marine Base *

His mission was to find the troop, and he wouldn’t fail. Not like all those others that hadn’t found them before.   
The night before, after he had talked to his family, he was staring at the picture of the missing group. 

They were psychologists, not warriors. He knew his thoughts would have been disapproved in a wide range, everyone who ever served the army was a soldier, but he meant it in a different way. Those guys probably hadn’t been prepared for this. And about everything he had heard, Sloane had shown great leading skills, but she hadn’t been in the army for such a long time as the others. 

He knew Anshiri had a wife and two kids. A five and a seven year old.   
Hale had just gotten engaged, a few weeks before they were called on duty.   
King was married, too. Three years by now.   
He had no idea about Sloane’s love-life, there had been rumors of a boyfriend, but he wasn’t sure if that relationship was still stable after her being missed for eight months.   
He needed to find them. And he promised to himself he wouldn’t rest if he had completed his task.


	11. Lean on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Afghanistan, the taliban’s hiding place *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (about the song: I listened to the EPIC-version of it)

Two weeks later they found them. The shout of one of his soldiers had been like music. 

His heart was beating and pounding like crazy as he followed the troop inside. 

He didn’t quite register his surroundings – dead talibans, blood and dirt and dust and sand everywhere, heat lingering, literally smelling the danger – and the fear.   
Fear.   
That was what he felt seeping into his bone. Fear.   
Not his own one, but the one of the people being hold in captivity. 

He wasn’t sure what he had expected. He had prepared for the worst, blood drenched clothes, dead bodies everywhere, fearful, panicked army soldiers, whatever.  
That wasn’t the case. Not really. And even though he had already braced himself with any scenario, it hit him full force.   
He was the one to find her. Him and two others.   
They came around the corner and his eyes fell on her.   
He could swear, at this moment, he would never be the same again.   
Their eyes locked and he felt as if he were frozen, at least for a moment. 

He had seen pictures. Her in a uniform, her in smartly dressed clothes. Smiling into the camera.   
What he saw now tightened his insides. Everything he had learned about resilience, about finding victims, about a hard exterior – it seemed to be gone.   
Was this Lieutenant Sloane? The same beautiful woman with golden hair and those intelligent, knowing dark eyes? This woman who had earned such a spot under all those other psychologists in the troops to go on this tour?

She stared at him like a deer in the headlights and that was when it hit him.   
He didn’t even know her.   
But suddenly she wished she hadn’t been the chosen one. 

He reached out for her hand, saying something he couldn’t even process. All he actively realized doing was looking at her, looking into her eyes, trying to tell her he would do everything to get her out of this hell. 

…

After making sure their enemies were all eliminated he returned to where they had brought Lieutenant Sloane to.   
She and Kelb were the only two survivors, and the man was barely alive.   
They couldn’t find the three other “WINGOS” how they were called, in an instant.   
“No one gets left behind”. He didn’t have to tell the others.   
They simply nodded and started the search. If they had to dig around in the sand for god’s sake, so be it. They wouldn’t let them rot in that toil. They deserved justice, at least in death. 

After making sure everyone was following orders and had something to do he made his way over to the smaller ambulance where they were taking care of the Lieutenant. With every step he came closer, his heart cramped a little more.   
She still looked rattled but not that heart wrenching as before, at least. He told himself so. 

He stood in silence while the paramedics tried to help her the best they could. With every ongoing minute she seemed to turn back more into a human – she was getting a little responsive, but also started wince more with every second whenever they came near or touched another bruise.   
That was when he saw it. The chafed wrists, bloodshot, dark red lines which looked as if they were shortly before cracking open. He wondered if that was all – her left one was definitely at least sprained, judging by the way she was holding it. 

It felt like an eternity as they were done, which left him and Jack alone.  
Clenching his jaw he stepped closer. „Lieutenant?“   
No answer, no reaction.   
That was unusual. Normally one could get those military guys to talk when addressing them with their formal rank.   
Not her. And somehow, Leon knew, this was no good sign.   
He took another step, hoping not to intrude. „Sloane?“   
Again, nothing. Not even a stir.   
„Jacqueline?“   
That worked. She lifted her head, looking at him with dead eyes.  
“Yeah?”  
Her voice was silent, scratchy, and hoarse.   
“We hadn’t had a chance to really get to know each other.” He got down on one knee, careful not to intrude her privacy. “My name is Leon Vance. I led the troop to find you.”   
She seemed to try to focus on him, but her eyes were glazy as if she wasn’t really here, at least not with her thoughts. Leon took a deep breath, attentively getting a little closer. She didn’t seem to mind.   
“Do you need something, Lieutenant? To eat? Something special? Anything?”  
He literally felt the looks the team were giving him from time to time. It was unusual for the team leader to get this close to a victim, normally he was the farthest away from there. But … somehow, he didn’t know why, he felt he was needed here.   
„I don’t have the right to be called Lieutenant. Not anymore.“ Her words made him frown. The first sentence she had spoken since they had rescued her. The first time she had said anything more than “Yes”, “No” or other single words. They had all thought she didn’t listen, was absorbed in her own thoughts. She had seemed distant all the time, but now he knew her mind was clear.   
Her voice was soft and raspy all at once, low in silence. He opened his mouth to say something as she spoke again, this time the tone was angry and shivering. „I wasn’t able to protect my team.”  
The words came up in his mind without him even needing to think about it.   
“You were. And you know why?” He waited until Sloane looked at him again. He put the biggest amount of persuasion into his words he could manage. “You survived. And so you could tell anyone what happened. You are the reason their story won’t be forgotten.”   
“I let them die.” Jacqueline’s voice was trembling and rich with tears. “I watched them die and I didn’t do anything.” She turned away from him but didn’t do anything to conceal the tears streaming down her face. Leon pressed his lips together. His heart ached at seeing her like this.   
“It is not your fault.”  
“Don’t say that!”, she screamed into his face. Leon backed away.   
Her eyes were like blazing swords, wide and full of pain, her breath raging as if she would hyperventilate every moment.   
“It was my duty to protect them, and I couldn’t!”  
“Yes, exactly, you couldn’t, because there was no possibility to do so!”  
She took a deep, long breath. Leon decided he wasn’t finished here.   
“Jacqueline.” He allowed himself to reach for her hand, hoping he wouldn’t scare her off.   
He didn’t. On the contrary, he felt Jack clutching his hand, holding onto it.   
Despite everything he felt he allowed the satisfied feeling fill his body. That was a start. At least she seemed to trust him.   
“What was your name again?”  
“Leon. Leon Vance.”  
“Leon.” He wet her lips, closer her eyes, then opened them again. What he saw broke his heart into thousand pieces. “How should I go on living?”  
That was the moment he knew he cared for this woman. He didn’t care for her as a soldier who had just lost her entire team and survived months of hell on earth, at least not only. He cared for HER. Her voice broke as she spoke: “I can’t … I don’t know how to deal with this.”   
He knew lying wouldn’t get them anywhere. So he shook his head. “No one does.” He looked at her. “But I promise you I’ll do anything to help you.”   
She batted her lids. Suddenly she looked incredibly exhausted. Exhausted and chipped. “How?”  
“I don’t know.” He shrugged, tried to smile and squeezed her hand. “We’ll think of something.”

They stayed in silence after his sentence. As Lance Corporal Beyers stepped closer to tell them they should get going, Jack looked him dead in the eye.   
“Where are they.”   
He knew what she meant.   
“We are looking for them”, he reassured her, wanting to squeeze her hand again. This time she withdrew.   
“They were my team! I will NOT leave without them!” For the first time he saw the fire inside her, the passion in her dark eyes.   
For a moment there was no fear or sadness. Only anger. Pure anger.   
“You have my word, Lieutenant.” Beyers gave her a nod. “We will find them.”   
Leon felt Jack straining up. Something told him she would go off like a bomb if Beyers were about to say just another, single word.  
“We will stay.”   
Leon decided to get up and pulled Beyers aside, out of reach for her to hear.   
“Right now, her mental health is more important than her physical. The worst we can treat here.” He took a glimpse on her over his shoulder.   
She wasn’t looking at them, instead staring at the ground, again. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad sign.   
He turned back to his soldier. “She needs to trust us, to know we are on her side. And I can’t risk breaking that bond I seem to have with her now.”   
Beyers, being the dutiful, kind guy he had always been, nodded. “Understood. I’ll see how the other’s are doing.”   
He nodded and they parted. 

“Thank you”, Jack whispered after a while.   
He just nodded. He knew words weren’t in need. 

As Jack shivered despite the heat, he turned to look at her. “You’re save now, Lieutenant, you know that?”  
He hadn’t expected her to nod, but she did.   
“I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, I promise.” 

This time it was her to reach out for his hand.   
Her bruised wrists were now covered in white bandages, the clean white color looking strangely displaced.   
He shook his head, feeling the pain dwelling up inside of him.   
What had they done to her … 

“Leon?”   
Her soft, silent voice brought him back to the present.   
“Yes, Lieutenant?”  
“Call me Jack, please?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was walking through my town listening to the song above and “Losing your memory” and almost started crying. This song – which will be the title for another chapter - inspired me for every single post-Afghanistan and rescue-scene and how Leon became Jack’s save heaven.  
> Seriously this friendship is so underrated. 
> 
> Leon only proved that yesterday. He called off Madame Secretary for Jack.  
> This is love, guys.


	12. Lonely innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Washington - Family Vance's house *

She was being treated at the Walter Reed. He came there every third day.

After two weeks, Jackie joined him.

Two Jacquelines, he smiled. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who found that amusing.

They got along great, and it warmed his heart seeing how good she was responding to his family, to new people. The fact she was able to laugh again. The see the bright side again.  
Jackie and Jack turned into friends. He wasn’t sure how but he felt Jack was happy having another female in her life whom she could talk to, not just the navy-guy who had saved her life.

A week later he brought Kayla and Jared along, and they clicked from the first moment on. That was when she told him about her daughter.

The daughter she had conceived when she was 19. The daughter of a guy who once had been her friend, who had raped her in a vulnerable moment.

He watched and sat in pure shock as she told him that.

This woman, at barely 40, had already gone through s _o much_ … he hadn’t thought he could feel any more empathy for her than he had done before, but now … now it was a lot more.

It took only another week until she said those words.  
“Leon. You’re my best friend.”  
That was the first time he kissed her forehead, the first time she sunk into his embrace and held on tight, and he knew if anything was the truth, it was _this._

**. . .**

She was doing well and it didn’t take long until she was being released. The physio therapy worked, her scars were healing, she went to her psychiatrist. She was crying, talking, not playing it down. Someday her tears became less, she started going out again into the city without needing him or Jackie close. She was regaining her confidence.

Ready to go back to California, her home – but she didn’t want to leave.

He knew why. The funeral.

He had thought she was doing better.

Until … one evening, at 10.30, someone knocked at their door. The kids had already gone to bed, Jackie and him were on the couch. His wife turned to look at him in confusion and he wondered if he should just leave it, but the knock appeared again, louder.  
Signing he got up, ready to call the person off who’d dare to disturb them this late in the evening – and he froze on the spot.

He would NEVER forget that sight of her. The sight of her as he found her, the sight of her crying, and the sight of her, hair clutching to her face due to the rain, dressed in her running clothes, eyes blood red.

“Jack. What the …”

“Leon, I’m going crazy. I can’t be alone.” She was shivering just as much as her voice did.  
He didn’t wait another second and placed an arm around her waist. “Come in.” She did, stopped right behind the door to not flood their whole house.

Of course Jackie was up by now, staring at their mutual friend. “Good god Jack, you’re soaked!”  
She was. But none of them really cared about it.

Jack took a deep breath, fumbling for words, as new tear ran down her cheek. “I can’t take this anymore.” Her voice broke at the last word and her eyes fell shut, her right hand lifting to cover her face. Jackie immediately closed the gap between them and hugged Jack who, a second later, broke down in her embrace.

Leon stood there in shock, watching the two of them. Jackie made soothing noices, rubbed her back, tightened her arms around the little piece of misery Jack was representing right now, and looked up to meet his eyes.

This wasn’t over. This wasn’t over for a long time.

They both knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the sadness. I didnt expect that story to turn out this sad, but … well, Jack's storyline is just too painful to beautify.
> 
> This chapter’s title is based on the songs “Innocence” and “Lonely” by Nathan Wagner. 
> 
> Your memories aren’t your destiny.   
>  Listen to the light, don’t let the darkness take you. 
> 
> I couldn’t help but think how great this fits for Jack and Leon (and Jackie) comforting her.


	13. It hurts like hell, but remember me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Washington - NCIS *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you might guess, the inspiring songs are "Hurts like hell" and "Remember me"

Leon left after grabbing a bite from Jack’s leftover-pizza. He was even polite and grateful enough not to mind it had gotten cold.It took Jack only seconds to fall back into silence, and somehow Ellie knew that whatever was coming now, it was even more horrific for her to tell.

“I thought it couldn’t get any worse.” She shook her head, stared at her hands folded in her lap. “I thought the days they were killed were the worst in my life. Turned out, it wasn’t.” She caught Ellie’s eyes. “It was the day of the funeral. The first day I met their families.”

Ellie swallowed, feeling Jack’s pain and guilt and wondering once again how she had managed to get back on both feet. “Jack, you don’t … you don’t need to do this.”

“I do, Ellie.” She took a deep breath and quoted out of Josh Groban’s “Remember”: “I’m with you, whenever you tell my story.” Ellie looked at her, brown eyes deeply sad.

But she had to. That story wasn’t over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's honer the fallen.   
> For they will never be forgotten. 
> 
> Keep them in mind, not only on Memorial Day, but especially then. To our fallen heros in heaven.


	14. Oh amazing grace, dont loose your memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Washington - Arlington Cemetery *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Amazing Grace (the Epic Version)  
>  Loosing your memory

The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining, the sky a perfect clear blue. But for Jack it was the worst day imaginable, and she had had a lot of these. Her heart was aching, it was as if something was peeling off the layers of flesh time after time.   
Involuntarily she felt the stinging, burning pain between her shoulderblades. Her scars. Scars that would forever remind her of … all of it.

Gladly Leon was attending, too, since he had been the one responsible to find them.   
Them … and she and Kelb were the only one’s left. The poor guy wasn’t able to be there, he was still being treated. She’s pay him a visit later. Maybe.   
If she found the strength.

“Lieutenant.” A voice startled her. She jumped and turned. The young man behind her took a step back, clearly as taken off guard at her being scared as well as her. She really had become a jumpy person.   
“Sorry.” She put on a fake smile and made an unconscious move through her hair, then stopped as she remembered it pulled back into a bun.   
“No problem, Ma’am.” He seemed to have regained his coolness. At least of them. “Their families are here. They would like to meet you.”

Her heart sunk at his words. She knew that would happen today, and she herself had decided she would talk to them, but nevertheless … all she suddenly wanted was to get away from her.

No. A soldier didn’t run. A soldier fought.

She would have spotted them even without the young private Johnson’s lead. Three women, one dark skinned, two kids. Her legs grew heavy as cement with every step she took, her throat constricted.

This was real. All of it was real, and she would have done everything to rewrite history, to turn back time, to …

All their eyes fell on her immediately and Jack pressed her lips together. It took all of her strength to not turn away, to run, just to run somewhere, to hide and cry in her pillow like a miserable piece of a broken human.   
Because that she was.   
Broken.

Johnson introduced them. She couldn’t quite recall their conversation, how they started talking. She remembered faintly Samantha Ford saying “It’s an honor to meet you, Lieutenant.”   
“Please, call me Jack”, was what she said.   
“I’ll call you whenever we’re ready. Take your time”, were Private Johnsons words before he left them alone.

“The first conscious move of hers was as she locked eyes with the little girl holding Misses Anshiris hand.   
Safwans daughter.

“You’re Leilah, right?”  
The little girl, clutching her mum’s hand, seemed shy but not scared. Nevertheless she looked at Kiana to ask for silent permission, and as she received a nod, she bent down and managed to smile for the first time that day. “You know your dad told me about you. You and your brother. What an amazing young girl you are. And now I can see for myself.” She turned and almost frowned as she met the boy’s gaze. He looked scarily like Safwan.

“Your dad loved you very much. He was so very proud of you.” She caressed the girls cheek, looked at both of them. The icy claw around her heart reappeared as she saw what he was carrying around his neck. His dad’s dog tags.   
She swallowed.   
She remembered the way the metal had felt in her hands. She remembered the way she had clawed her fingers around the three tags, every single moment, at night, because she was afraid the Taliban would take them away from her, too. Away from their families.

 _Breathe, Sloane.  
_ “And I know though you cannot see him, he will always be with you. He’s your guardian angel now.”   
They both didn’t say anything nor seemed responsive, but she had already expected that. That was a lot to take … she only hoped they wouldn’t break because of it.

She straightened up again and met the women’s eyes. Samantha, Avery, Kiana.

“I am so sorry I couldn’t protect them.” The final words came out her mouth without her having to think about. Because this … this was what she was most sorry about.

Samantha’s dark eyes were glazy and her voice hoarse as she spoke. “They told us … you saw how they were killed.”   
The words cut deep, deep like a knife, like a poisonous dagger. This time she couldn’t help closing her eyes because she knew if she’d keep them open she would start bawling her eyes out once again, and she didn’t want that, not now. She didn’t have the right.   
“Yes”, she breathed.

Silence.   
“Thank you for being there for them as we couldn’t be.” Avery took her hands and squeezed them, and for a moment, just a single moment, she felt a flicker of hope in her heart.   
For a single moment.

“I couldn’t protect them. I was their leader, and … I couldn’t protect them.” She bit her lip.   
_Pull yourself together, Sloane. You messed this up. It’s your fucking fault, and don’t you dare be more miserable than these three women who lost their loved ones._

Oh, how she hated that inner voice of hers. Something told her it would never, ever shut up again.

She took a deep breath and Avery let her go, sensing her uneasiness. Jack blinked, blew out air, forced her pounding heart to calm down.

And then something unexpected happened. The boy stepped forward.

And before she could react, before she could even look at him, he threw his arms around her waist.

Jack stood stock still. For a long five seconds she couldn’t breath, she couldn’t even really process what was happening.   
The first thing she recalled was seeing Kiana seeming unsure and embarrassed but she gestured her it was okay. She couldn’t care less about soldier attitude. She loved the army but there was certain things about the military she never understood, and one part of it was the order of behaving like an inviolable superhuman.

Then, the pain mixed with being touched and she couldn’t decide if she should cry with him – because yes, now he was crying – or feel some sort of relief that he didn’t seem to be angry with her for …

_For not getting his dad back home to him alive._

The tears came. Now she knew she couldn’t hold them back again.   
“He will always be with you”, she whispered into his hair as she bent down, and now she couldn’t even hide the tremble in her voice. “The soul and heart of the person we love is never gone, you know. As long as you keep remembering him …” She inhaled and hugged him, too. “As long as you do that, he will never be gone completely. He is with you, with every step of the way.” She blinked and looked up into the sky, wondering if Anshiri saw them now. If Samuel, Ray and Safwan were standing there, side by side, watching them.   
She did not wonder. She _knew_ it.

Jack took a last, deep breath before pulling back. The boy’s face was tearstained though he wasn’t crying. He was silent crier.

“I know death is a hard topic”, she began her last words to him. “But see it as a new beginning. Your dad is not alone, he’s good up there. And …” She smiled and a tear tickled her cheek as she tapped against the door tag shining in the sunlight, light against his black t-shirt.   
The light in darkness.   
“I’m sure he couldn’t think of a better person to wear his dog tags.” She allowed herself to wipe one of his tears. “Take care of your sister, Jonah, okay?”   
He nodded. A strong, honest nod. Like his dad. “Yes, Lieutenant.”   
She smiled and released a sound, shortly before telling him a “Jack is fine, though you are doing very well” but she didn’t get the time.

“You really believe he’s here?” The first time she heard his voice. Soft, silent, a little insecure.   
She smiled. She smiled with tears in her eyes.   
“Yes.” She nodded. “Yes, he is. And he will always be.”

She looked into his eyes. Deep, dark eyes, so dark they were almost black, but there was a strange softness in them.   
This little guy was a fighter. Just like his dad.

She caught a movement out of the corner of her eyes and turned to see Private Johnson. Her throat went dry. Her heart cramped again. And suddenly … suddenly she was scared.

“Lieutenant, Miss Beyes, Misses Anshiri, Miss Ford? We’re ready.”

That was it.   
No return.   
It had been one thing meeting the families of survivors. It was another to actually begin the ceremony.

Jack took a deep breath and got up. She didn’t have to gesture Jonah to go back to his mum, he did it all himself.   
She stepped back to let them go first, because hers was another place to be. She caught the women’s eyes once again.   
Tears and relief. And … thankfulness.

Jack Sloane knew they weren’t angry with her. And yet … she was angry with herself.

And she wondered if that would ever end. If she would ever be able to break out of this vicious volute.

…

She was glad she wouldn’t be standing or sitting next to the wives and their kids or, worse, opposite of them.

Nevertheless, she had to keep a stern face. Another military rule she hated. Soldiers were humans, too. They had emotions, too. They hurt equal.

A familiar face appeared next to her and pulled her out of her inner tumoil. As she realized it was Leon she relaxed a little more. He was with her in this. She wasn’t alone between some other soldiers she didn’t even knew by their first names, who cared but also didn’t care.

She wasn’t sure how much time went by, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore.   
Because she saw the first coffin.

Samuel’s.

She felt her chest tighten in a way she had never felt before. Not even back in the cave in Afghanistan. Not even in her most horrible nightmares. Her breath grew shallow and she COULDN’T even breathe anymore.   
She wanted to break down, to fall to the ground and cry and scream her heart out.

She didn’t do it. She couldn’t. She wasn’t allowed to. All she did was press her lips together, lips which were trembling, feeling silent, painful tears leaving her eyes all over again, no matter how often she wiped them away.

As the coffin passed she feared she would faint every second. Nevertheless, she couldn’t take her eyes off.   
She followed Samuel’s, Safwan’s, Ray’s.   
Imagined their faces. Heard their laughes, and their screams.

She was standing in the front row. She fought against every urge not to stretch out her hand and to caress over the flag. It wouldn’t be professional, she would break the rules. She had no right to be more emotional than any of their friends families.

And then, just then, as kids and wifes stepped forward and she felt as if she would explode any moment, she felt a gentle touch on her shoulder.

From this moment on – lately – she knew Leon Vance wouldn’t just be forever the man who had saved her life. He would be her save heaven, a man she could tell everything. Her confidence. Her friend.

Through a dense fox of tears she reached for his hand and leaned against his shoulder, breathing hard, keeping herself together. She knew it was only for him that she didn’t break down.

For him, and Samantha, and Kiana, and Avery. And mostly for Jonah and Leilah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I could transport the emotions. I used my own ones, to be honest. Tried to put what I was Feeling into words (because yes, I was crying the whole thing through and I didnt re read it, so pleasure forgive my mistakes)   
> I honestly felt like Jack here. I remembered the first funeral I ever went to (about two months ago) and it all came back to me. I edited this chapter in a pretty sad and dark mood and I knew I wanted to upload it on Memorial Day.


End file.
